May 2013
5 posts
Day 4: Excogitation & Recognition
Art is to me the glorification of the human spirit, and as such it is the cultural documentation of the time in which it is produced. -Hans Hofmann
Andy and I sit in his studio talking Andy Warhol and the Beat generation. He shows me a poem he’s written and asks me to read it aloud. I know it’s to see if I read it the same as he’s written it. The moment the words spill from...
Day 3: Quasi-stellar Radio Source
God gave us the gift of life; it is up to us to give ourselves the gift of living well.-Voltaire
I turned 34 today, more sand down the neck of the hourglass, more minutes passing through time. I scribbled onto a piece of paper at midnight. “I love you.” it said and I kissed the blank white with red. I asked for love letters, to be written, to someone, to anyone because all I...
Day 2: Changing the Frequency
“I’ll never forget the day Marilyn and I were walking around New York City, just having a stroll on a nice day. She loved New York because no one bothered her there like they did in Hollywood, she could put on her plain-jane clothes and no one would notice her. She loved that. So as we we’re walking down Broadway, she turns to me and says ‘Do you want to see me become her?’ I didn’t know what...
Day 1: A Shift in the Paradigm
Bury me on my feet, I have spent my entire life on my knees.
The words settled into my bones and seeped into my veins. My hands were their hands, their wounds were my wounds. We played out scenes repeated like broken records and collected the reflections of others until the the eclipses came.
In the beginning there was Kam and he was the great sun king. He was madly in love with his sister...
Graceful Swans
“Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” ― Anonymous, Holy Bible: King James Version
Whisper the secrets of the wind. Tell me in hushed tones why I carry my Grandmother’s ashes in a small ornate container in my small beaded bag with the tarot. Show me the magpies that perch on the trees and call from Blackwell Island. Spring has crept in and with it an incredible...
April 2013
3 posts
The Shoes of The Fisherman's Wife Are Some Jive...
“Oh damn it all blues. Screwed to the melting frozen walk of dared-to-embrace stone…” -Charles Mingus
I painted the quote in black acrylic paint. It wasn’t meant for walls and probably washable. I painted it so I would feel like it had some semblance of a home. I was afraid I’d live there forever and knew somehow if I didn’t get myself straightened out...
Day 40: Adrey Rig
There are such things as false truths and honest lies. - Gypsy Proverb
I spent the early parts of the morning traveling by train and driving through country roads. I was expecting something major to happen. It was day 40. Instead I fell asleep, over and over again I tumbled into the dream time. I couldn’t remember any of them.
In between sleep we prepared for Easter, making baskets and...
Day 39: Tatcho Ezid
“Surely every one realizes, at some point along the way, that he is capable of living a far better life than the one he has chosen.” ― Henry Miller, Big Sur and the Oranges of Hieronymus Bosch
Emily and I settled into our seats for Indian food as Christmas lights and chili peppers blinked and flashed around us. It had been a long time and we both admitted to not getting out much unless it...
Day 38: Paramicha
“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.” ― Mae West
I use to read a lot of fairy tales. It started with Snow White and Rose Red. I wanted to be a princess and then I didn’t. I loved the Billy Goats Gruff because of the troll under the bridge. I was angry at Red Riding Hood because the wolf and Hunter roles should have been switched. And so it went on and on but really I just wanted to...
March 2013
28 posts
Day 37: Mishdoshium
I went down to the crossroad fell down on my knees I went down to the crossroad fell down on my knees - Robert Johnson “Crossroad Blues”
My Godfather once told me “Always put your trust in the Orishas and not into a human being. Humans will hurt you whether they mean to or not, but Orisha will always guide and protect. “
I am a hija de Eleggua. His children are known...
Day 36: Nongipen
From my rotting body, flowers shall grow and I am in them and that is eternity. - Edvard Munch
I have been thinking about the body as a whole, and I mean whole as body, mind, spirit whole. I started this 40 days to understand the darker parts of myself and why they sometimes take over. I think what I’ve come to understand is that sometimes they have to. The term “Everything...
Day 35: Nanga
Photo by Melissa Dowell
“I must be a mermaid, Rango. I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living.” ― Anaïs Nin
On Palm Sunday I dropped my clothing to the floor and posed naked for an audience. I’m not afraid of posing nude or letting you know my flaws. My struggle is the day to day mundane acts that feel like torture. Give me a stage, an altar, an open field, a few...
Day 34: Sap
I have been enjoying receiving my prison emails. Andrew and I made characters for each other and write overly theatrical poetic emails back and forth. They make me laugh uncontrollably an roll around on the bed. Melissa finds this relatively amusing.
I find myself getting nerved up over paintings I have to finish before I travel again. In these moments I usually gather my things and head to...
Day 33: Zi
Um Klim Kalika-yei Namaha
I spent the morning talking of thunderstorms, magical lands, spirits, altars, and Burroughs with a man that may be of the same tribe . My love of Burroughs and storms poured through the messages.
Om Hrim Shreem Klim Adya Kalika Param Eshwari Swaha
I told him of Amma and Kali. How there’s some Kali in me. And sometimes she shows through. Sometimes a...
Day 32: Ebyok
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called ‘Ego’.- Friedrich Nietzsche
Cast your ego into the sea. The vast ocean will swallow it whole. I’ve been thinking a lot about ego these past few days. It started with my trip and talking with my rep, it crept in again when Andrew was sentenced, and well it trickles in from time to time as I’m sketching or writing.
This...
Day 31: Eange
“All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.” ― Edgar Allan Poe
I’ve got an itch that needs scratching. I come home from a trip and want to stay in, go out, do both at once. It’s the travel itch that makes you want to sell all your belongings and travel the dirt roads.
I asked for drinks with cherries in them. Foley and Ben made it come true. I sipped and nibbled on...
Day 30: Latcho Drom Dui
Eventually, I think Chicago will be the most beautiful great city left in the world. - Frank Lloyd Wright
The last moments in Chicago were spent packing up and having coffee. I fell in love with the city and it’s inhabitants. The day before Valya and I headed over to Highland Park once more to spend the day with Richard and Jami. They were so kind and gracious the night before we...
Day 29: Chinga-guero
“Enlightenment is not imagining figures of light but making the darkness conscious.” Carl Jung
Nick took this picture on his birthday when we were out for Mexican.
Monday came with mixed feelings. I woke up with an ache in my gut and wished to be with my friends at Weev’s sentencing. A few emails popped into my inbox. “How can you be friends with him?”
I can’t...
Day 28: Mutra-mengri
By Richard Shay
The first night at the tea house I pulled out my small Ganesha Justina had given me and showed it to Valya. I placed him back into my bag and didn’t think of it again. A few days later I noticed he had disappeared.
“Maybe you left him at the tea house?” Valya asked.
“I remember putting him away. You saw that right?”
“Yes I did.”
I...
Day 27: Poosheno
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.- Buddha
Today we shifted and buried the last part of that past. Today the dirt hit the coffin and the roses were thrown. It feels good to be a snake.
Had lunch with Valya, my first rep Sharon, and Jean, my rep to this day. We talked illustration, tarot, business and spirituality. I’ll...
Day 26: Laenah
I was telling a man I barely know that the white masks scared me.
“Why do they scare you?”
“I don’t know. They’re just blank. They’re strange shape, I don’t like them.”
“So what is it that you’re really afraid of. The void?”
I thought for a moment. “Maybe.”
“What is it that Neitzsche said, ‘If you...
Day 25: Chovahan
“Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.” ― C.S. Lewis
With the year of the snake brought skin shedding. I’m noticing as this year progresses my fear is dwindling but my privacy settings are getting harder to unlock. The bewitching season has begun.
Valya and I met with Juie and walked through Wicker Park and the Ukrainian village. I like to walk through...
Day 24: Gudlo-pishen
Photo by Richard Shay
A loving heart is the truest wisdom.- Charles Dickens
I spent the day with a wide variety of beautiful souls. There is something so nourishing about seeing old friends, meeting new ones, connecting with people you’ve met a few times, being inspired and laughing hysterically into the night.
Visiting a friends studio brought along a wave of excitement for future...
Day 23: Latcho Drom
We travel, some of us forever, to seek other states, other lives, other souls. - Anais Nin
Safe journey. That’s all we’re really looking for. A safe journey and atchin tan. My gris gris bag was by my side as I stepped onto the plane and entered a new town. Chicago welcomed me with open arms.
Sometimes the ancestors push you into a direction. You’re not quite sure why they...
Day 22: Rawnie
“I wanted the whole world or nothing.” ― Charles Bukowski, Post Office
The day before the journey always carries the most tension. I don’t sleep. I sip tea and coffee and water with chlorophyll. I light candles and sweep the floors slamming the door three times after.
I had lit a Santisima candle to clear out the air and let good things through. Her love of Tequila and roses had me at the...
Day 21: Del-engro
“If you want to find Cherry-Tree Lane all you have to do is ask the Policeman at the cross-roads.” ― P.L. Travers, Mary Poppins
Just like Fortuna’s daughter, I anointed my hair in oils and dressed in gold. It’s hard to soothe a kicking horse but not impossible. You just have to know the right words.
Pāle the wafri bāk jāls the kushti bāk. - Behind bad luck comes good...
Day 20: Diviou
“Mad Hatter: “Why is a raven like a writing-desk?” “Have you guessed the riddle yet?” the Hatter said, turning to Alice again. “No, I give it up,” Alice replied: “What’s the answer?” “I haven’t the slightest idea,” said the Hatter” ― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
In the time crunch I had a panic attack. I took things out of drawers, accidentally messed up a painting, laid my coat on...
Day 19: Chik
“Have you ever met someone for the first time, but in your heart you feel as if you’ve met them before?” ― JoAnne Kenrick, When A Mullo Loves A Woman
Graveyard dirt, goofer dust, dead man’s ashes, whatever you want to call it, I’ve got it. But I’m not a girl who buries anyone. I’m not a girl with coffin nails or garlic bulbs. Instead I’m a girl with a red dress...
Day 18: Klism-hev
“There is in fact something obscene and sinister about photography, a desire to imprison, to incorporate, a sexual intensity of pursuit.” ― William S. Burroughs
Somewhere in here there’s a keyhole. Mi cocoro, I will find it and when I do I will push each key in and turn it slightly to see if it is the one. I will giggle. I might bat my eyes and part my lips, but I will find it....
Day 17: Artapen
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. - Lewis B. Smedes
Understanding the panopticon taught me a few things about prison gates and the ever watching eye. The floodlights used as backdrops and cement walls create open surveillance for the guards and invisibility to the other inmates. But today I got a glimpse of another inmate. Today I saw freedom.
...
Day 16: Powdrom
“Happiness is a very pretty thing to feel, but very dry to talk about.” ― Jeremy Bentham, The Panopticon Writings
The path you take will lead you to the panopticon. It was a variation at least, and when my life seemed monitored that’s where it fit in. I went back and sat by the old stones. They had been rebuilt for housing, for families who wanted a good view, and a safe place to...
Day 15: Cama
Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. - Oscar Wilde
He’s like a ghost to me, making me soft and surreal. We’re invisible creatures only known by melody, words, and images. I’m not sure he knows I exist. I wear the lace dress to make tea. Rooibos for me. He likes green or so the dreams tell me. I tilt our cups after and...
Day 14: Pivli
You can’t prevent birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.
—Chinese Proverb
The black candles burn to remove the residue. The flames are high and dancing. With each bounce and flare they tell a story. The smoke of the sage does the same. I can ring a bell and the space...
Day 13: Pagger
Two doves stood outside the door as I opened it. Doves in the animal totem symbolize higher love, the feminine, peace, purity, Intimate relationships as well as new ones, transition from difficulty, and friendship. They symbolize new beginnings and hope. It was a nice message to step out into.
Thoughts that come with doves’ footsteps guide the world. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
I spent a...
Day 12: Pireni
For a long time my secret name was June. It was a late night in the summer of 1998. The house phone rang, it was a vintage rotary phone with a gorgeous old style bell tone. I was in bed writing.
“Hello?”
“Is June there?”
I paused. “Who is this?”
The voice was foreign to me but he knew my name. I talked to him anyway and after a few minutes he handed it...
Day 11: Ratniken chiriclo
Sing sweet nightingale. Show me the light after the darkness, show me the star after the tower falls.
I’m not going to lie. I had tequila with my demons and threw up on the carpet. Sometimes you have to look at your disease in depth in order to make sense of it all, poke through it with tweezers for a bit. And I did, oh I did.
I’m on the Fools journey. Instead of using the...
February 2013
12 posts
Day 10: Martiya
“The rain came down upon my head - Unshelter’d. And the wind rendered me mad and deaf and blind.” ― Edgar Allan Poe
I used to have a mulengi dori or dead man’s string. 9 ribbons of different colors and cut to the same size. You tie the ends into a knot and take the first three colors braiding them, then the next three and so on until you have three sets of braid. attached to the...
Day 9: Patrin
I’m leaving a trail of sweet grass for for anyone who wants to find me. I’ll tie it to fences as I travel with ribbons and one gold coin and then you too can travel this road. But I must warn you that this path is not an easy one to walk. There will be bumps, ditches. People will call you names and close their doors to you. But if you listen close enough and the wind calls your name...
Day 8: Gudlo
I woke up with a sweetness and knew I had to get to the island. It was the afternoon of the full “Hunger Moon” in Virgo. I made strong coffee and gathered coins and thread.
What a mysterious thing madness is. I have watched patients whose lips are forever sealed in a perpetual silence. They live, breathe, eat; the human form is there, but that something, which the body can live...
Day 7: Mukkalis becunye
The problem with being vulnerable is that everyone knows. They can smell it on you like a shark can smell a small cut from miles away. Some will slightly rub against you and others will go in for the kill.
I found myself at the crossroads once again. I didn’t think I’d get an answer and so I whispered to myself. “Mukkalis becunye” - Let it be. But sometimes the world has...
Day 6: Kakkaratchi
I know what you want your magpies have come -Tori Amos
I miss the days I would spend all night reading, listening to the rain and annointing myself with oils. Those were the evenings when the moths came. Small moths first and then they became bigger. They always carried messages. Rikker dovo adrée tute’s see. - Keep that a secret.
Winter days pass too fast. I feel them slip by as I try to...
Day 5: Chovihani
Hatch till the dood wells apré. - Wait till the moon rises
I woke up late after a fever dream. I woke up confused and not understanding what land I was in. You and I were talking. We weren’t fighting and we walked along an endless dirt road. It was a kind and gentle conversation. The sun was setting and I said, “Hatch till the dood wells apré.” and then my eyes opened at...
Day 4: Paramicha
The Whirling wind she called to me. I braided coins into my hair and wore the long dress to do magic. She reminded me to bathe in Rooibos and drink it daily, to remember the language even though I’ve never spoken it, to pack my bags and buy a ticket. It would all work out. The Whirling wind she called to me, over and over again.
Cross my palm with silver. I have a piece right here....
Day 3: Shilmulo
I dreamt of another land, walking in a complex I was familiar with only in dream time. I was with an old boyfriend who I only partially remembered. I felt awkward and yet kept walking. We were going to our hotel and I was uncomfortable. I didn’t want to be there with him and I couldn’t figure out why I was there. Worse yet, our relationship was so long ago he was fading.
We got to the...
Day 2 : Kintala
I woke up with a heaviness in the home and a scratch in the throat and so the day was spent weeding and purging. I do this to the soundtrack of Buena Vista Social Club. Since the cut and clear I have been soft. I watch the films my friend Greg made a list of. I fall in love with The Color of Pomegranates. Each shot is like poetry itself.
Kintala is balance. This is the first time I have felt...
Day 1: Armaya
Say it with me. Armaya. Say it softly as it slides off the tongue and into the ground. We won’t walk that path as pretty as the language sounds. We will not walk that path. Baxt hai sastimos tiri patragi.
But we did walk a long road over years, scattered with dust and the remains of something very broken. Your ghosts and my ghost they spoke in whispers. “I am not the curse.”...
In the Company of Men
“There were always in me, two women at least, one woman desperate and bewildered, who felt she was drowning and another who would leap into a scene, as upon a stage, conceal her true emotions because they were weaknesses, helplessness, despair, and present to the world only a smile, an eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest.” ― Anaïs Nin
And so my winter in artifice began as the last...
Fire Walk With Me
“Even for me life had its gleams of sunshine.” ― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre
I’ve been remembering moments of my my life this week like they are tiny stars in the sky. My fingers hit the keys of my keyboard like piano keys, crossing one over the other. It’s not the sound of the typewriter like I want but there’s sound and I want things to click. I was written about in an...
January 2013
4 posts
Mistress of the Sun
Mother moon Mistress of the sun, say I got you, I got you - “Pinwheels” Smashing Pumpkins
Jonny Hardware gave me a pin and a bottle of vodka before he died. He said the moment he saw it, he knew it belonged to me. It was antique looking marcasite with onyx. While getting ready for the “What Makes a Masterpiece” concert at Carnegie Hall, I pulled out the pin which...
Running With the Devil
“Hell didn’t make me a monster. It just confirmed all my worst fears about myself.” ― Richard Kadrey, Devil Said Bang
The Devil: The addict and the pusher. It’s a card I’ve been pulling in my worst self-sabotaging moments. Card after card, The Devil, The Ten of Swords, The Moon, The Three of Swords, and The Seven of Swords. I planned for the worst, my trigger finger...
