Another night at the Dollhouse. It’s a full moon eclipse in Sagittarius and we’re all feeling it. I had a terrible day but felt relieved the moment I step into the Speakeasy. I slip on my dress and sit next to Cynthia and then move to the mirror.
There’s something about doing your makeup before a performance. I smudge and blend a dark shadow over my lid and around my eyes and pout after I line my lips in crimson . The cast jokes and prepares. Dana and I compare our bad days while I help her put on her dress. I tell her I did something I have never done in my entire life. I’ve called someone worthless. When I ask an ex if I was in the wrong he simply says, “If it got to the point where you cracked and said it, he totally deserved it.” It takes a lot for me to break like that. I think about the night ahead of me. I have no idea what kind of night it’s going to be, I just know it’s sold out.
I’m excited to not be me anymore, for all the things Lucrezia experiences, I’m glad to be her tonight. I’m glad to dance like she dances, talk like she talks, and love like she loves. I don’t want to be Katelan tonight. As I wrap my pearls around my neck I take off a small eye shaped necklace and throw it in my bag. I forget this action a minute later.
Downstairs actors file into the bakery and set up. I run back and forth kissing everyone on the cheek. I apologize in advance to Russell for indecent Lucrezia behavior. He laughs at me. Something is lifting as night falls. I can feel it. James and I take our position and start dancing.
As the doors open every person I want to see is there. I’m looking at my core group of friends, Cynthia, Molly, Larisa, Jesse, Janice, Stoya, Steve, Kai, Zina, Veronica, and Burke,they’re all there. I’m getting signals crossed, one moment I’m Lucrezia and one moment I’m acting. I see Amanda Palmer and Neil Gaiman in the alley and give them greeting hugs and kisses. I Lucrezia shimmies for Amanda while John pulls her away. Lucrezia’s gotten flirtier within the last month. Katelan hasn’t been flirty in a while.
Lucrezia is getting into trouble. Katelan is stuffed into a trunk somewhere. Lucrezia kisses Frank abruptly. She’s surprised by her actions, she runs out of the room. Katelan’s in a far away place.
I like to become the roles. I’ve said that before. And now with the little flapper dress I can be her. As the night rolls on I see my friends have taken over the front couch. It’s a beautiful sight seeing them all there. I waver back and forth between loving my friends and being Lucrezia. There’s a part of me that loves her too. There’s a part of me that feels her love, her sorrow and guilt and fear.
As the night ends I’m sitting on Larisa’s lap and then Jesse’s. I’m giving all of them kisses and holding Stoya’s hand as we talk in secret. I’m desperately in love with my friends. I watch Cynthia run up and down the stairs and think back to when I first met her. She was telling me this very story and going to the library the next day to do research. Eclipses bring full circles. I’m feeling incredibly humbled but I also know I need to get home. I’m tired and I’m fading.
On the train I read. Todd recommended “Suddenly There’s a Knock on the Door” and I’m enamored with it. I love taking trains for this very reason. I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. I’m part of a panel and then a meeting. I know I have to finish up some paintings as well.
I get home, take a picture, strip down, start a fight, and paint. This is how my night ends and the next day begins.
1.) Confession - When I’m cranky I start fights
2.) Oracle - The eclipse. It said it would show peoples true colors and all my gorgeous friends were there smiling and supportive and glittering.
3.) Body - Dancing
4.) Sacrifice - Work time
5.) Relinquish - Holding back in any way with this role
6.) Inspiration - beautiful friendships
7.) Structure - Between working and acting the whole day was structured.